Wednesday, May 6, 2015

8 weeks 2 days

Today is May 6th. Two years ago today, I was experiencing the horror of losing our December baby. And here I am now, exactly as far along with you as I was with that little one. Eight weeks and some days. I held my breath today when I thought about how the spotting had started the night of May 5th, grew steadily worse, and culminated with having to say goodbye to a baby I so desperately wanted. 

What a difference two years has made. I still feel such love for that little December baby. I believe he or she is with Jesus. I also know that had I carried that baby to term, I wouldn't have Barrett and I wouldn't have you.

How strange and random it is to not only be remembering my December '13 baby on this day but also to be carrying a December '15 baby, one who will hopefully be born on or near the same date my first little one would have made an appearance. 

The weight of this remarkable blessing is a comforting reminder, and also a fearful one. I don't want to lose you. But I have no control, and so I cherish each of these moments I carry you. Nausea plagued me today and more than once I stretched out on the kids' bed or the floor in fatigue. And it was a comfort, a reminder that you are growing and all is well.

I sing of the love that I bear,
I sing to the Spirit indwelling me.
A life deep inside me as surely I know
As my baby is living and grows

The azalea that your Daddy bought me to remember our lost little one on my first Mother's Day. It's blooming today.

1 comment:

  1. This is really beautiful. I remember that day and I'm so sorry that I forgot it. You really are a wonderful example of a mother.