There's no question that I enjoy being with them. I would never want a job outside of the house right now, because I want to be the only one with them, taking care of them and enjoying their little quips and antics.
But in this season of my life, alone time to me is indescribably precious. I just went up to get William up from his "books on bed" afternoon time, an all-too-brief 45 minutes, when I saw that he was sleeping. Knowing we are going to be at my parents' house tonight, and he'll undoubtedly be staying up late, I felt relaxed about letting him sleep. As I walked back down the stairs I'm a perfectly, beautifully quiet house, I felt my soul being restored.
Lately I spend my alone time with an audiobook playing while I do chores around the house. It's not like I need to sit and paint my nails, or put my feet up, or watch a show. I have a cup of coffee in silence. I do something peaceful, like ironing, or put on my rubber gloves and clean the kitchen, knowing I won't have to take them off in 20 seconds when somebody needs to pee or the baby starts screaming for more food.
Do I feel like calling a friend during this time? Never. (Which lately has made keeping in touch with people difficult since I don't feel like calling a friend while the kids are awake and creating mayhem, either.) Do I feel like writing an email? Never. I do not want to say a word to anyone. I just want to listen and be quiet.
As the chaos in the house increases I find this need stronger than ever. I am so thankful that Brian and I can sit in companionable, blissful silence after the kids go to bed. No longer do I experience frustration that I can't find anything to talk about. I don't want to talk. And he's OK with that.
Alone time. Peace. Quiet. After this fourth baby, I may become a total hermit.
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