Wednesday, April 21, 2010

5 AM: Starting in on a gallon of water and some bentonite clay.

Beau is at his most playful in the mornings. Right now I am sitting at the computer, half awake, mechanically wrestling his toy from him with one hand and throwing it as far as I can, to get a few moments of peace before he's back again, punching me in the side with his giant stuffed hamburger.

I started a detox cleanse yesterday - you know, the one with nothing but filtered water, fresh lemon juice, and maple syrup. Every morning you're instructed to drink a liter of salt water to "flush you out". And it WILL flush you out, believe me, even if it takes 32 hours to do it; that is, it'll work only if you can get the whole thing down without tossing it back into the sink. So again, there's no food allowed (though Stanley Burroughs graciously grants you as much "lemonade" as you want), but I tell you what: the worst thing about it is no coffee.

I cheated, I think, by having a cup of green tea, but what can you do when you're so addicted to caffeine you might as well check into rehab? I figure tea has about half the caffeine, so I'll gradually wean myself off of it throughout the next eight days or so. Thus, be ye prepared for some venting! complaining! moaning! and all-around just general pissiness, if you'll pardon my French.

My theory is that the "toxins" I am flushing out of my body include foul temper, angry scowl, road rage, husband rage, and lack of patience. Because they are all flowing free right about now! :) It's a good thing no one's home.

Anyway, there's no way I can quit. Yesterday, amid my groaning and bemoaning and lamenting the nine days ahead of me, Brian said, "Honey, I'll be impressed if you make it to Day 3."

"Shut your piehole!" I demanded. "I'm doing the whole thing!"

Realizing I'd bitten his head off, I removed it from my mouth and reattached it to his neck.

What can I say? I was hungry.


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